I declared a New Resolution at 3am one sleepless night; a Proclamation made, I thought, in a moment of insight, a flash of inspiration. I was determined and ready, or so I thought, to turn my back on psychotropic meds and return to the long-abandoned practice of meditation to treat my insomnia.
I held strong and firm in this course of action for some time--about 6 hours, I'd say. By then, the anxiety I was staunchly denying was building into full-fledged panic and then poof! my proclamation disintegrated. I called my psychiatrist's office and desperately begged his assistant to tell him I must have a new med, preferably some powerful sedative, even if I'd only be allowed to take it for a couple nights. I just HAD to sleep. In my terrified state I lay frozen in the hammock, and everything was too much to bear--the gentle whispering of the breeze, the flecks of sand embedded in the back step concrete that I frantically examined, standing up, sitting down. I took 2 anti-anxiety pills that I was sure would never kick in before eternity came. I was nauseous and worried about what to do if I threw up. Could I take 2 more pills? All I felt was crushing dread; all I knew was that I could not survive another night of wakefulness. I was absolutely convinced of this.
When the call finally came from Dawn, my psychiatrist's assistant, the message was, "No new meds." (Read my lips.) I was to return to the med I had started and abandoned the previous week (doxepin) and give it a longer trial. Needless to say, I was devastated. Didn't they understand my agony? Yet by now the Klonopin (anti-anxiety med) was beginning to help pull me back from the edge and I had sobbed my story to a couple of supportive listeners so now I had at least a fragment of operative sanity. I reluctantly accepted that continuing the trial on doxepin was the best I could do for the moment, and I resolved to make full use of my increased dosage of Klonopin to get me through, if I needed it. The problem I had experienced with the doxepin was not that it was ineffective at night but that during the day I sludged through a dense brain fog that feared I could not withstand. (In retrospect I have a suspicion that the doxepin fog was partially or even greatly exacerbated by my unacknowledged fear of surfacing pain.) And so it was, to medication I would return for the time-being; meditation would have to wait until I could muster up a wisp of energy for it.
I had now somehow jammed the brakes of the runaway fear train that had been taking me deeper and deeper into unreality, and where was I? I can only describe it as the Nothing Place, where there are no ideas, no movement, certainly no fun, though rather than being utterly hopeless it's more like unpleasantly and wholly clueless. Maybe it's that the mind has paused in its frantic search for clues and conclusions. And maybe it has something to do with surrender, although that seems too graceful a word for my resistance-filled experience. Mostly I was sleeping lots, attending to the bare minimum, and wishing I could think of more interesting supper ideas than PB & J or pancakes. At least, I think that's what I was doing. I can barely remember.
As this week began, I felt like I was coming out of this patch of unknowing and into some clarity. Possibly I did, briefly. But then, and I can't tell you how this happens exactly, how I can appear to be on solid ground and then do these spectacular dives worthy of the Olympics only without the grace. So I did another one of those. But after a good deal of my usual clumsy thrashing, it would seem that I am back in the Nothing Place. Or not. Maybe in another post I'll explore my modus operandus, Dash and Crash, or Erratic Incarnate; for now, in the absence of any inspirational words of wisdom showing up in my brain, I will close with a favorite mantra: "Love is everywhere I am." Oh, that sounds like something I should pay attention to...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Lies Lies Lies
I hate myself intensely. I wish I was dead. I know these things are based in lies. My mind is running lies with single-minded focus, and the lies are running me. I know this. I tell myself this. And I fall for the lies hook, line, and sinker.
How is it that I'm so gullible? And how can I have the awareness that they are not true and yet feel so utterly trapped within walls rising into the sky? I can feel it building within me, a full-scale berating of myself. It runs something like this, with a million useless variations: I hate myself for hating myself.
But that's old, that's pointless, and besides it makes me feel like shoving a knife in my gut. So let's try something else. Yeah, right, I've already tried recalling and reaffirming what I know is real, Love above all else, the Living Field, the Earth Mother. No go. It feels not only as if that connection is severed but as if it never existed.
Here's a thought. What if I sit down with this gullible, trapped, suffering soul and just make some observations? What do I see in her, in me? Well, first of all, I see someone who has eons, lives upon lives of practice at this mind game of torturous separation. This game where the mind, in its habitual role of supremacy, runs deeply embedded thoughts, beliefs, etc. that in one way or another tell the story of separation, division, exile, shame, each aspect building the imprisoning walls higher and higher. These beliefs have essentially been locked in my brain and body through my experience. When the belief is running and the emotions follow and fear mushrooms, any connection I might have had to life and love, to the Earth Mother, to joy and expansiveness, is effectively severed and I am stuck in my little box.
So I see the pattern and its strength and I feel absolutely powerless. I feel ready to just give up this journey because I don't see how I could possibly continue through the pain, I've been through so much pain already, and although I try everything I can think of to convince myself that it's just lies that are running me and I don't have to hold onto them, I remain immobilized and overwhelmed.
But if I were to sit with myself and really observe, with as much compassion as I could muster, I would notice that I have already released layers of beliefs. I have felt cut off, I have felt overwhelmed, and I have practiced acknowledging the Love that is greater than all things, I have somehow managed to open, allow, and release, and return to connection.
It so happens that a couple of weeks ago my therapist asked me what I wanted my woman self to look like. I was feeling good, I was feeling ready to enter more fully into my own life, and the question intrigued me. I pondered it from time to time in the next week and came back and told her that "woman" is a loaded word for me, that being a woman, what I sense that to be for myself, is bad, dangerous, wrong, etc. and that thinking of being a woman makes me contract inside. So those are the places I try to explore within me, the places that feel limiting or shame-filled, or wounded, although I sure do think I'm crazy to do it sometimes.
In this case I felt I was in a really good position to address some of the old wounds around womanhood. My mood and energy have been better and I have basically been having a good time with life, overall. And then...I find it very hard to describe my experience. It was sort of like a tsunami inside me, or maybe like being dropped off a cliff and the feeling of impact when you land. But I've had this sort of thing happen before. It's the old lies coming up, and if I can stay present and allow the feelings to process through, and open to all the support and love that is around me, especially the Earth Mother, it will pass, it will release, and I think what is happening is a few more of those useless old untruths are dissolving. Except that it doesn't always work, I guess because I'm still practicing, and some stuff is just too big for me to handle without some more help. This felt enormous.
When I can't move through it, whatever it is, and it stays stuck inside me, it is living hell. I hold it inside me and wait till I can get help, basically, and if I'm keeping it inside me the pressure becomes unbearable and if I open the emotion it overwhelms me and brings no relief. I guess one sign of progress I can see is that I am better at recognizing when I'm in the midst of emotion that is not moving because it is still bound somewhere, and so I can spend less time feeling like I'm throwing myself against a wall before I ask for help, which for me means making an appointment to do energy work. I've found that when I urgently need an appointment, things work out where I can get in sooner than usual. In this case I sent a plea for an immediate appointment to Michele, who I work with, and was able to get in within 3 days, which felt like about as long as I could wait.
I spent the first half of Sunday, the day I had made the call for an appointment, in bed, immobilized with such high anxiety that I realized I was getting dangerously close to a full-out panic attack, which I've only experienced once and would like to never experience again. Finally I was able to see that this immense emotional upheaval was tied to the question I had been asked, "What do I want my woman self to look like?" and with that acknowledgment my anxiety dropped to manageable levels. I sensed that beliefs, stories, and wounds that I wasn't even fully conscious of were locking up a part of me that was extremely lonely and wanted to join the rest of me.
At my appointment with Michele I felt like I released at least half the history of the world. Waves upon waves of emotional release moved through me, and though it was incredibly painful it was bearable because I could feel the movement out of my system. There was enough love and support around me that I could begin to let go. And like I said, we moved through the history of the world, the collective history of suppression of women as well as my history in this life of suppression, shaming, and disallowing what it means to be a woman, and the feminine in general. I wept for the millions of women who were hunted down as witches, for the near annihilation of the native people of this country, and particularly relevant to my current life's experience, the Catholic church's role in suppressing and denying the feminine. Pleasure and desire, particularly of a sexual nature, were so demonized on so many levels within my experience, that I have kept myself from knowing fully what my desires are and allowing myself to fully and freely experience pleasure. The notion that I was born evil but thanks to Jesus' death and resurrection I have been redeemed--I have let that go a while ago, but I cried as I released the beliefs of not being good enough just as I am, that I am in essence flawed.
Lies, all lies. I'm not even fully aware of what all was released, and of course they aren't magically FLASH gone from my life forever. The beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, were released, I'm not actually sure to what degree. I think what possibly happens is that more beliefs get loosened up and sort of come loose a little later. But what I do know is that once they're released on the energetic level it takes time for the effects to process all the way through into manifest experience, meaning for me that I'll probably be having a lot of waves of emotion over time, as the process continues. Hurray, so much fun. In truth, I can accept going through the pain of releasing--not necessarily very gracefully, granted--but getting stuck in it again is what really sucks.
I guess this is all a very long-winded way of trying to answer the question of how I can have the awareness that I'm dealing with lies and yet still be hanging on to them at some level. If I wasn't I wouldn't be feeling this misery. In part, I guess I'm saying, Give myself a break, I just went through some major energy shifts so of course there will be some upheaval in the aftermath. I just wish I had the answer for what to do when I lose all perspective and the trap, the hopelessness, feels absolute and I can't seem to connect with the Earth Mother. I'm still here, and that's something, and I choose to continue muddling my way through the mess. I do know that Love is real and boundless, always present, always accessible and I know it because I have felt it. Maybe I'll rest in that knowing for a while.
How is it that I'm so gullible? And how can I have the awareness that they are not true and yet feel so utterly trapped within walls rising into the sky? I can feel it building within me, a full-scale berating of myself. It runs something like this, with a million useless variations: I hate myself for hating myself.
But that's old, that's pointless, and besides it makes me feel like shoving a knife in my gut. So let's try something else. Yeah, right, I've already tried recalling and reaffirming what I know is real, Love above all else, the Living Field, the Earth Mother. No go. It feels not only as if that connection is severed but as if it never existed.
Here's a thought. What if I sit down with this gullible, trapped, suffering soul and just make some observations? What do I see in her, in me? Well, first of all, I see someone who has eons, lives upon lives of practice at this mind game of torturous separation. This game where the mind, in its habitual role of supremacy, runs deeply embedded thoughts, beliefs, etc. that in one way or another tell the story of separation, division, exile, shame, each aspect building the imprisoning walls higher and higher. These beliefs have essentially been locked in my brain and body through my experience. When the belief is running and the emotions follow and fear mushrooms, any connection I might have had to life and love, to the Earth Mother, to joy and expansiveness, is effectively severed and I am stuck in my little box.
So I see the pattern and its strength and I feel absolutely powerless. I feel ready to just give up this journey because I don't see how I could possibly continue through the pain, I've been through so much pain already, and although I try everything I can think of to convince myself that it's just lies that are running me and I don't have to hold onto them, I remain immobilized and overwhelmed.
But if I were to sit with myself and really observe, with as much compassion as I could muster, I would notice that I have already released layers of beliefs. I have felt cut off, I have felt overwhelmed, and I have practiced acknowledging the Love that is greater than all things, I have somehow managed to open, allow, and release, and return to connection.
It so happens that a couple of weeks ago my therapist asked me what I wanted my woman self to look like. I was feeling good, I was feeling ready to enter more fully into my own life, and the question intrigued me. I pondered it from time to time in the next week and came back and told her that "woman" is a loaded word for me, that being a woman, what I sense that to be for myself, is bad, dangerous, wrong, etc. and that thinking of being a woman makes me contract inside. So those are the places I try to explore within me, the places that feel limiting or shame-filled, or wounded, although I sure do think I'm crazy to do it sometimes.
In this case I felt I was in a really good position to address some of the old wounds around womanhood. My mood and energy have been better and I have basically been having a good time with life, overall. And then...I find it very hard to describe my experience. It was sort of like a tsunami inside me, or maybe like being dropped off a cliff and the feeling of impact when you land. But I've had this sort of thing happen before. It's the old lies coming up, and if I can stay present and allow the feelings to process through, and open to all the support and love that is around me, especially the Earth Mother, it will pass, it will release, and I think what is happening is a few more of those useless old untruths are dissolving. Except that it doesn't always work, I guess because I'm still practicing, and some stuff is just too big for me to handle without some more help. This felt enormous.
When I can't move through it, whatever it is, and it stays stuck inside me, it is living hell. I hold it inside me and wait till I can get help, basically, and if I'm keeping it inside me the pressure becomes unbearable and if I open the emotion it overwhelms me and brings no relief. I guess one sign of progress I can see is that I am better at recognizing when I'm in the midst of emotion that is not moving because it is still bound somewhere, and so I can spend less time feeling like I'm throwing myself against a wall before I ask for help, which for me means making an appointment to do energy work. I've found that when I urgently need an appointment, things work out where I can get in sooner than usual. In this case I sent a plea for an immediate appointment to Michele, who I work with, and was able to get in within 3 days, which felt like about as long as I could wait.
I spent the first half of Sunday, the day I had made the call for an appointment, in bed, immobilized with such high anxiety that I realized I was getting dangerously close to a full-out panic attack, which I've only experienced once and would like to never experience again. Finally I was able to see that this immense emotional upheaval was tied to the question I had been asked, "What do I want my woman self to look like?" and with that acknowledgment my anxiety dropped to manageable levels. I sensed that beliefs, stories, and wounds that I wasn't even fully conscious of were locking up a part of me that was extremely lonely and wanted to join the rest of me.
At my appointment with Michele I felt like I released at least half the history of the world. Waves upon waves of emotional release moved through me, and though it was incredibly painful it was bearable because I could feel the movement out of my system. There was enough love and support around me that I could begin to let go. And like I said, we moved through the history of the world, the collective history of suppression of women as well as my history in this life of suppression, shaming, and disallowing what it means to be a woman, and the feminine in general. I wept for the millions of women who were hunted down as witches, for the near annihilation of the native people of this country, and particularly relevant to my current life's experience, the Catholic church's role in suppressing and denying the feminine. Pleasure and desire, particularly of a sexual nature, were so demonized on so many levels within my experience, that I have kept myself from knowing fully what my desires are and allowing myself to fully and freely experience pleasure. The notion that I was born evil but thanks to Jesus' death and resurrection I have been redeemed--I have let that go a while ago, but I cried as I released the beliefs of not being good enough just as I am, that I am in essence flawed.
Lies, all lies. I'm not even fully aware of what all was released, and of course they aren't magically FLASH gone from my life forever. The beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, were released, I'm not actually sure to what degree. I think what possibly happens is that more beliefs get loosened up and sort of come loose a little later. But what I do know is that once they're released on the energetic level it takes time for the effects to process all the way through into manifest experience, meaning for me that I'll probably be having a lot of waves of emotion over time, as the process continues. Hurray, so much fun. In truth, I can accept going through the pain of releasing--not necessarily very gracefully, granted--but getting stuck in it again is what really sucks.
I guess this is all a very long-winded way of trying to answer the question of how I can have the awareness that I'm dealing with lies and yet still be hanging on to them at some level. If I wasn't I wouldn't be feeling this misery. In part, I guess I'm saying, Give myself a break, I just went through some major energy shifts so of course there will be some upheaval in the aftermath. I just wish I had the answer for what to do when I lose all perspective and the trap, the hopelessness, feels absolute and I can't seem to connect with the Earth Mother. I'm still here, and that's something, and I choose to continue muddling my way through the mess. I do know that Love is real and boundless, always present, always accessible and I know it because I have felt it. Maybe I'll rest in that knowing for a while.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Here Goes...
All righty, it's time for the 2nd annual blogging attempt. It was about November of last year I guess, when I began blogging and petered out. I was having recurrent and severe constipation of the creative juices, and so I had to turn my attention to removing a few logjams. I BELIEVE, though time will tell, that creative juices might be ready to flow...a friend of mine suggested that I try blogging, and a part of my mind immediately pounced on that and started gnawing on it, rolling it around, and decidedly not letting go of it. So after visiting my blog 8 or 10 times and THINKING about making an entry, I actually made the leap here on September 9, day of the Vikings opener(a fact I am only aware of by virtue of my husband), and I am officially blogging. Woo hoo!
I promise nothing here, not even to continue with this blog. If it continues I don't know what it may evolve into, but I do know that I'm subject to write about or share anything about anything, centering around my experience, with no particular boundaries or taboos. I choose absolute freedom. Really, I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that is what it is. For me, I think I just need an expression for my experience here in a human body, discovering and recovering my soul and spirit, healing on all levels, merging myself with all Creation and enjoying the Dance. Oh and along the way working through tenacious insomnia, struggling with my children's angry outbursts, dousing myself in shame, self-pity, or other show-stoppers, and other goodies.
I'm reading a great book, which I will probably have a lot more to say about: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Here is a loose quote: "Accept everything in each moment as if you have chosen it for yourself." I love that. I love the power of "I choose this," and in my more anxiety-ridden moments I am able to reclaim my power by reminding myself that I can choose, I can ALWAYS choose, no matter what is going on within or without. I can choose to accept this anxiety, I can choose to look at it with curiosity, observe how it feels and moves inside me, I can notice that I'd rather be anywhere else but here, that I'm worrying that I'm not going to make it (i.e., survive), and then I can choose. Eckhart Tolle speaks with such great clarity, it's like my mind empties when I read it, some low-level murmurings inside me quiet down, and I slowly soak in what he's saying.
Well, time for my nighttime cocktail: Ambien and a few other ingredients, attempting to remedy that tenacious insomnia. Here's to HERE! It's all that exists.
I promise nothing here, not even to continue with this blog. If it continues I don't know what it may evolve into, but I do know that I'm subject to write about or share anything about anything, centering around my experience, with no particular boundaries or taboos. I choose absolute freedom. Really, I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that is what it is. For me, I think I just need an expression for my experience here in a human body, discovering and recovering my soul and spirit, healing on all levels, merging myself with all Creation and enjoying the Dance. Oh and along the way working through tenacious insomnia, struggling with my children's angry outbursts, dousing myself in shame, self-pity, or other show-stoppers, and other goodies.
I'm reading a great book, which I will probably have a lot more to say about: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Here is a loose quote: "Accept everything in each moment as if you have chosen it for yourself." I love that. I love the power of "I choose this," and in my more anxiety-ridden moments I am able to reclaim my power by reminding myself that I can choose, I can ALWAYS choose, no matter what is going on within or without. I can choose to accept this anxiety, I can choose to look at it with curiosity, observe how it feels and moves inside me, I can notice that I'd rather be anywhere else but here, that I'm worrying that I'm not going to make it (i.e., survive), and then I can choose. Eckhart Tolle speaks with such great clarity, it's like my mind empties when I read it, some low-level murmurings inside me quiet down, and I slowly soak in what he's saying.
Well, time for my nighttime cocktail: Ambien and a few other ingredients, attempting to remedy that tenacious insomnia. Here's to HERE! It's all that exists.
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