The Thing That Could Be Anything

When my oldest daughter was about 4 she came home from school one day, proudly bearing her art project. It was a white plastic ring, like a costume jewelry bracelet, with a strip of aqua-white iridescent cellophane tied onto it. In response to my asking what it was, Lucy said, "It can be anything you want it to be." And so it remained. The thing that can be anything you want it to be has never actually become anything else for Lucy, was never used in any imaginative play, and I've wondered if it was her own expression of the limitlessness of being, the expansive possibilities present within life here.

I know that for myself I have needed reminders of abundance, especially when faced with messages of boundaries and containment. As a child, my bike was one of my keys to freedom, because I could go places, go fast, go far, go away...The library was another place I was free to explore horizon upon horizon without restriction. I could get as many books as I wanted! And on hikes with my family, I felt myself expanding, relaxing into a greater ease of being, if only for a short time.

My healing journey has to a great degree been a recovery of the space and possibility of being, of MY being, right here, right now. I have learned that I can actually call myself creative, instead of half-denying it by saying, "Oh, I just like to create." The art supplies that I have slowly gathered over the years have been moved to a convenient place, a visible reminder to myself that I have the potential to create. The art supplies have, in turn, slowly gathered dust, but they do remind me of what I could do, and I sense that they and I are waiting for the moment when potential becomes manifest.

Many accumulated limitations have been slowly melting away. I can actually acknowledge that I am a deeply feeling person, rather than try to push it away and consider it a flaw impeding me from the more desirable traits of rational and logical. I can remove conclusions about what I may or may not try, achieve, do, become. I've done a lot of cross-country skiing this winter, and I was surprised to discover that the reason I was having so much trouble with hills was that I was saying to myself, "I can't," and then I couldn't feel my feet or legs and the information they were giving me. On one hill in particular, I noticed the exact moment when "I can't" slid across my brain, and a split second later I was on the ground. I immediately got up, climbed back up the hill and told myself, "If I fall, I will fall, but in the meantime I will pay attention and respond to exactly what is going on in each moment." I made it down the hill with a tremendous feeling of empowerment. I thought, there's no reason I couldn't get out there and explore any of my "I'll never do's," like snowboarding or downhill skiing. ..I could even parachute from a plane! Well, that last one's a little up in the air, so to speak, but you never know...I just might! Why limit myself with unnecessary conclusions?

I recently asked Mother Mary at a channeling if we couldn't just shortcut through all this "unfolding in due time" and jump right into massive manifestation because I’m bursting with impatience. She didn't give me the shortcut. But in the past several days, I've been feeling as if I blinked and opened my eyes into a new reality. Suddenly the spark and sparkle of my soul have bubbled to the surface of my life. The container is fading, drudgery and effort are passing, and the truth that I had almost forgotten about myself has become clear.

I am here to play endlessly in life’s vast playground, and of all the things I could choose to do, I would choose to simply play. I would laugh and sing and dance, bounce, and twirl, sparkle and spin. I would throw open my arms and gather all that is into my heart. I would look into the eyes of a child and share a moment of wonderment. I would creep into the quiet places and listen to the music there. I would run with exuberance and collapse in the grass and find castles and kingdoms in the clouds. I would explore and experiment, learn and love, move move move with lightness and life. I would flit here and float there, sprinkling bits of joy, gathering sparks of love, weaving all that I encounter into glorious tapestries, and all the while I would smile with delight as the Earth Mother’s laughter bubbles through me.

As I let go of all the old limitations, I have the feeling that I could do anything, that I am the thing that can be anything. I am pure possibility.

Intuit (and Out of It)

I've done a lot of slogging lately. In fact, I spent much of 2010 in a fitful slog through horrendous, knee-deep, boot-sucking sludge...with enough bright spots, much needed support, and a relentless inner sense of Something to enable me to continue the journey. Finally, when the calendar page turned and a whole brand-new year lay before me, I thought, Hurray for 2011, Year of Manifestation! Then I plunged back into the muck where I tend to do a lot of thrashing and disremembering of who I am before I come to my senses, before I can sense my own wisdom again. Surely there are more pleasant routes to releasing my being from the bondage of the past...Or maybe not for me. After all, this path is working for me--if you were to question any cell in my body, each would tell you that it is so. They have more room to dance than they once did.

Dancing, however, felt like a vague impossibility for much of February. In an email exchange with Michele, the energy work practitioner with whom I've done a lot of healing, she suggested that we work together again, if it felt like it was time. The moment I read her email, I felt an immediate movement within, tugging the rest of me forward. If I could convey the message in words, it would be something like, "Yes, it is so."

Within a week I was able to get in to see her, and during my appointment I felt like I was emerging from 10,000 leagues under the sea, as legions of accumulated imprisoning beliefs slid off and I relaxed into my own space. Much of what was released had to do with my highly diligent, though misguided efforts over lifetimes to figure out how to do it "right," how to fit in in the world of people, and be safe, not get hurt--but in spite of it all, I could never quite achieve the unshakable sense of connection, belonging, safety that I so desired. It felt like part of me kept trying to join me here, but after each tentative testing of the waters, it would retract, with a feeling of "I don't see myself here, I don't see my place here."

Michele and I began making a place for that part of me here by clearing my channels of connection with the natural world, where I feel most myself, most at home. Since I began this work of soul healing a couple of years ago, I have felt many times like a kid in a candy shop—this is all too good to be true, that love and life and souls could be so boundless! And yet it IS true. Over and over again I am amazed as I uncover beliefs I didn’t know I had that are limiting me from what truly is. I had rediscovered the Earth Mother (a candy shop experience) through my healing process, but now a whole new realm was opening before me. I could have a REAL, living loving relationship with all of the Earth Mother’s nature beings, in any dimension. I could BE and be embraced here in the Earth Mother’s arms—my whole being could play and dance and sing in a more expansive and joyful way than I had known.

Yet I HAD known, on some limited level. Because somehow I found my way from college into a job as a naturalist, playing with kids outside. And somehow when we bought our house 12 years ago, we ended up in a house 2 blocks from a creek, less than a mile from the river, and a couple of blocks from a dingy gas station that would later be transformed into a pond, complete with a beautiful springtime toad chorus that I can hear loud and clear from my house. In a few short months I will be blessed with their song again, and perhaps I will hear more within that song. I have suffered significant hearing loss over the ages where my soul’s voice, my intuition, is concerned, but I’ve still managed to catch some of its whisperings—even when I didn't quite know what it was. I am preparing myself to hear more.

I received a delightful gift at my appointment. At some point Michele mentioned fairies, about which I have never given much thought, beyond fairy accessories for my daughters, but that word spoke to a place within me. In the days that followed I have had such bouncy, sparkly feelings of love. “Fairies…fairies…fairies” has been calling out within me, like a calling to loved ones I had thought were gone forever. I have a sense of an unfolding here that I can’t quite verbalize, but I'm listening, and I feel sure it will take me somewhere too good to be true, or as I prefer to think of it now, so good it must be true.

It...is...time....

My naturopath asks me, "What is your Life's Purpose?" and of course I get all teary. "I don't know!" I tell her. Well, more accurately I DO know, it's just that I have misplaced this critical piece of information. Or possibly even hidden it away somewhere, because you know it could be DANGEROUS for the wrong person to get their hands on it--the wrong person being me. Oh, how tangled it gets, fighting with oneself.

I've been getting these mantras, or affirmations. I have a pretty deeply ingrained habit of negative self-talk and I'm also very, very stubborn, and as a result I can get really stuck on unhelpful stuff. And wow, am I convincing! Either that or I'm gullible, because I fall for those old beliefs before the rest of me realizes that an old belief has even crossed my mind!

So, the first mantra that I've been using fairly consistently was given to me about 1 1/2 years ago by a practitioner who I see for energy/soul work, and it is, "Love is everywhere I am." That has gotten me through a lot, and until about a month ago was about all I had sometimes in response to the inner barrage I subject myself to. "Love is everywhere I am" reminds me that I need not close myself off, I need not believe in my absolute separation from everything.

About a month ago in a moment of need, a new mantra came to me: "I choose to be here." Here in this moment, here in this life, on this planet, here moving through this transformation process. I choose everything, except that I sort of forget I have that power of choice, and my habitual reaction when things get dicey is to run like hell. I want to go home more than anything else in the world, a home I've lost and believe I must go back to in order to feel safe, loved, etc. But then I abdicate all my power, because I can't go back, though I might wish it for lifetimes. Acknowledging my ability to choose has been very empowering for me, once I get it through my thick skull that I do indeed have power, that I can in fact be present in this moment no matter how hellishly impossible it may feel.

Somehow bringing that choice mantra in got things rolling, because several more supportive statements have come to consciousness for me, in response to old stuff getting triggered. Here's what I've got so far:

I open and allow.
I experience abundance and prosperity in each moment.
I open fully to my Divine being.
I trust my inner voice.

This has been exciting for me, because you know, I've got things to do or be or express or experience in this lifetime, in this new paradigm of co-creation, and I've got myself barricaded. I'm terrified--of myself, of my own power, my own divinity. Of my Life Purpose. And I feel it within me that it is time...IT IS TIME...to BE. HERE. To be fully conscious. That's what I came for. I'm very clear about that part--usually.

And I'm still terrified. Life Purpose sounds so big, so daunting, so formal. Like something I could screw up. And of course it couldn't be like that. It must be fundamental to my being, innate to my design, like my skeleton, or my DNA. They seem to have developed just fine. I haven't lived in terror that my skeleton wasn't developing in perfect alignment with the Universe.

I don't really know what it means, though, Life Purpose. Maybe it's a feeling more than something to be expressed in words, maybe it reveals itself over a lifetime and is most clear when looking back, and almost certainly it evolves throughout life. I just know that something within me is not yet clear, something is still under lock and key. I'm moving, I'm in process, and these affirmations, these mantras, are helping anchor me here, in life, light, love. And I think I'm a teeny bit more skilled at recognizing the lies when they punch me in the gut. Like today, when I thought maybe I'd get back to this blog and see what happens, and what happened was I couldn't access my blog at all, and waves of terror/despair/desperation washed through me. I couldn't think, I couldn't find help when I did a Help search. I felt a cyberspace wall of unresponsiveness. I felt like a small child lost in a world of people who don't see me, don't know me, don't understand me, and if no one can understand me, how can I be? I felt like I had lost a precious piece of my being, trapped in blogland forever. I felt utterly powerless.

And then I had return to the surface to take my daughter to the doctor. Underneath, I think I looked a lot like a frantic flopping fish, but a fish who doesn't realize it's already in the water. I grasped at my mantras with desperation and clumsiness, and to tell you the truth I'm not quite sure what did the trick, but I came home calmer and feeling the relief of solidity in myself again, and when I sat back down at the computer again, voila! The problem had resolved itself!

It is time. To just do this, let go, let go, let go of my collection of limitations, this old shell I cart around. And then what? I haven't a clue. What I do know is that beyond all the clutter and chaos, beyond the flailing of my mind and the wild oscillation of my emotions some part of me still knows what is Real. What I do know is I'm not gonna miss this boat.

Pills and Proclamations

I declared a New Resolution at 3am one sleepless night; a Proclamation made, I thought, in a moment of insight, a flash of inspiration. I was determined and ready, or so I thought, to turn my back on psychotropic meds and return to the long-abandoned practice of meditation to treat my insomnia.

I held strong and firm in this course of action for some time--about 6 hours, I'd say. By then, the anxiety I was staunchly denying was building into full-fledged panic and then poof! my proclamation disintegrated. I called my psychiatrist's office and desperately begged his assistant to tell him I must have a new med, preferably some powerful sedative, even if I'd only be allowed to take it for a couple nights. I just HAD to sleep. In my terrified state I lay frozen in the hammock, and everything was too much to bear--the gentle whispering of the breeze, the flecks of sand embedded in the back step concrete that I frantically examined, standing up, sitting down. I took 2 anti-anxiety pills that I was sure would never kick in before eternity came. I was nauseous and worried about what to do if I threw up. Could I take 2 more pills? All I felt was crushing dread; all I knew was that I could not survive another night of wakefulness. I was absolutely convinced of this.

When the call finally came from Dawn, my psychiatrist's assistant, the message was, "No new meds." (Read my lips.) I was to return to the med I had started and abandoned the previous week (doxepin) and give it a longer trial. Needless to say, I was devastated. Didn't they understand my agony? Yet by now the Klonopin (anti-anxiety med) was beginning to help pull me back from the edge and I had sobbed my story to a couple of supportive listeners so now I had at least a fragment of operative sanity. I reluctantly accepted that continuing the trial on doxepin was the best I could do for the moment, and I resolved to make full use of my increased dosage of Klonopin to get me through, if I needed it. The problem I had experienced with the doxepin was not that it was ineffective at night but that during the day I sludged through a dense brain fog that feared I could not withstand. (In retrospect I have a suspicion that the doxepin fog was partially or even greatly exacerbated by my unacknowledged fear of surfacing pain.) And so it was, to medication I would return for the time-being; meditation would have to wait until I could muster up a wisp of energy for it.

I had now somehow jammed the brakes of the runaway fear train that had been taking me deeper and deeper into unreality, and where was I? I can only describe it as the Nothing Place, where there are no ideas, no movement, certainly no fun, though rather than being utterly hopeless it's more like unpleasantly and wholly clueless. Maybe it's that the mind has paused in its frantic search for clues and conclusions. And maybe it has something to do with surrender, although that seems too graceful a word for my resistance-filled experience. Mostly I was sleeping lots, attending to the bare minimum, and wishing I could think of more interesting supper ideas than PB & J or pancakes. At least, I think that's what I was doing. I can barely remember.

As this week began, I felt like I was coming out of this patch of unknowing and into some clarity. Possibly I did, briefly. But then, and I can't tell you how this happens exactly, how I can appear to be on solid ground and then do these spectacular dives worthy of the Olympics only without the grace. So I did another one of those. But after a good deal of my usual clumsy thrashing, it would seem that I am back in the Nothing Place. Or not. Maybe in another post I'll explore my modus operandus, Dash and Crash, or Erratic Incarnate; for now, in the absence of any inspirational words of wisdom showing up in my brain, I will close with a favorite mantra: "Love is everywhere I am." Oh, that sounds like something I should pay attention to...

Lies Lies Lies

I hate myself intensely. I wish I was dead. I know these things are based in lies. My mind is running lies with single-minded focus, and the lies are running me. I know this. I tell myself this. And I fall for the lies hook, line, and sinker.

How is it that I'm so gullible? And how can I have the awareness that they are not true and yet feel so utterly trapped within walls rising into the sky? I can feel it building within me, a full-scale berating of myself. It runs something like this, with a million useless variations: I hate myself for hating myself.

But that's old, that's pointless, and besides it makes me feel like shoving a knife in my gut. So let's try something else. Yeah, right, I've already tried recalling and reaffirming what I know is real, Love above all else, the Living Field, the Earth Mother. No go. It feels not only as if that connection is severed but as if it never existed.

Here's a thought. What if I sit down with this gullible, trapped, suffering soul and just make some observations? What do I see in her, in me? Well, first of all, I see someone who has eons, lives upon lives of practice at this mind game of torturous separation. This game where the mind, in its habitual role of supremacy, runs deeply embedded thoughts, beliefs, etc. that in one way or another tell the story of separation, division, exile, shame, each aspect building the imprisoning walls higher and higher. These beliefs have essentially been locked in my brain and body through my experience. When the belief is running and the emotions follow and fear mushrooms, any connection I might have had to life and love, to the Earth Mother, to joy and expansiveness, is effectively severed and I am stuck in my little box.

So I see the pattern and its strength and I feel absolutely powerless. I feel ready to just give up this journey because I don't see how I could possibly continue through the pain, I've been through so much pain already, and although I try everything I can think of to convince myself that it's just lies that are running me and I don't have to hold onto them, I remain immobilized and overwhelmed.

But if I were to sit with myself and really observe, with as much compassion as I could muster, I would notice that I have already released layers of beliefs. I have felt cut off, I have felt overwhelmed, and I have practiced acknowledging the Love that is greater than all things, I have somehow managed to open, allow, and release, and return to connection.

It so happens that a couple of weeks ago my therapist asked me what I wanted my woman self to look like. I was feeling good, I was feeling ready to enter more fully into my own life, and the question intrigued me. I pondered it from time to time in the next week and came back and told her that "woman" is a loaded word for me, that being a woman, what I sense that to be for myself, is bad, dangerous, wrong, etc. and that thinking of being a woman makes me contract inside. So those are the places I try to explore within me, the places that feel limiting or shame-filled, or wounded, although I sure do think I'm crazy to do it sometimes.

In this case I felt I was in a really good position to address some of the old wounds around womanhood. My mood and energy have been better and I have basically been having a good time with life, overall. And then...I find it very hard to describe my experience. It was sort of like a tsunami inside me, or maybe like being dropped off a cliff and the feeling of impact when you land. But I've had this sort of thing happen before. It's the old lies coming up, and if I can stay present and allow the feelings to process through, and open to all the support and love that is around me, especially the Earth Mother, it will pass, it will release, and I think what is happening is a few more of those useless old untruths are dissolving. Except that it doesn't always work, I guess because I'm still practicing, and some stuff is just too big for me to handle without some more help. This felt enormous.

When I can't move through it, whatever it is, and it stays stuck inside me, it is living hell. I hold it inside me and wait till I can get help, basically, and if I'm keeping it inside me the pressure becomes unbearable and if I open the emotion it overwhelms me and brings no relief. I guess one sign of progress I can see is that I am better at recognizing when I'm in the midst of emotion that is not moving because it is still bound somewhere, and so I can spend less time feeling like I'm throwing myself against a wall before I ask for help, which for me means making an appointment to do energy work. I've found that when I urgently need an appointment, things work out where I can get in sooner than usual. In this case I sent a plea for an immediate appointment to Michele, who I work with, and was able to get in within 3 days, which felt like about as long as I could wait.

I spent the first half of Sunday, the day I had made the call for an appointment, in bed, immobilized with such high anxiety that I realized I was getting dangerously close to a full-out panic attack, which I've only experienced once and would like to never experience again. Finally I was able to see that this immense emotional upheaval was tied to the question I had been asked, "What do I want my woman self to look like?" and with that acknowledgment my anxiety dropped to manageable levels. I sensed that beliefs, stories, and wounds that I wasn't even fully conscious of were locking up a part of me that was extremely lonely and wanted to join the rest of me.

At my appointment with Michele I felt like I released at least half the history of the world. Waves upon waves of emotional release moved through me, and though it was incredibly painful it was bearable because I could feel the movement out of my system. There was enough love and support around me that I could begin to let go. And like I said, we moved through the history of the world, the collective history of suppression of women as well as my history in this life of suppression, shaming, and disallowing what it means to be a woman, and the feminine in general. I wept for the millions of women who were hunted down as witches, for the near annihilation of the native people of this country, and particularly relevant to my current life's experience, the Catholic church's role in suppressing and denying the feminine. Pleasure and desire, particularly of a sexual nature, were so demonized on so many levels within my experience, that I have kept myself from knowing fully what my desires are and allowing myself to fully and freely experience pleasure. The notion that I was born evil but thanks to Jesus' death and resurrection I have been redeemed--I have let that go a while ago, but I cried as I released the beliefs of not being good enough just as I am, that I am in essence flawed.

Lies, all lies. I'm not even fully aware of what all was released, and of course they aren't magically FLASH gone from my life forever. The beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, were released, I'm not actually sure to what degree. I think what possibly happens is that more beliefs get loosened up and sort of come loose a little later. But what I do know is that once they're released on the energetic level it takes time for the effects to process all the way through into manifest experience, meaning for me that I'll probably be having a lot of waves of emotion over time, as the process continues. Hurray, so much fun. In truth, I can accept going through the pain of releasing--not necessarily very gracefully, granted--but getting stuck in it again is what really sucks.

I guess this is all a very long-winded way of trying to answer the question of how I can have the awareness that I'm dealing with lies and yet still be hanging on to them at some level. If I wasn't I wouldn't be feeling this misery. In part, I guess I'm saying, Give myself a break, I just went through some major energy shifts so of course there will be some upheaval in the aftermath. I just wish I had the answer for what to do when I lose all perspective and the trap, the hopelessness, feels absolute and I can't seem to connect with the Earth Mother. I'm still here, and that's something, and I choose to continue muddling my way through the mess. I do know that Love is real and boundless, always present, always accessible and I know it because I have felt it. Maybe I'll rest in that knowing for a while.

Here Goes...

All righty, it's time for the 2nd annual blogging attempt. It was about November of last year I guess, when I began blogging and petered out. I was having recurrent and severe constipation of the creative juices, and so I had to turn my attention to removing a few logjams. I BELIEVE, though time will tell, that creative juices might be ready to flow...a friend of mine suggested that I try blogging, and a part of my mind immediately pounced on that and started gnawing on it, rolling it around, and decidedly not letting go of it. So after visiting my blog 8 or 10 times and THINKING about making an entry, I actually made the leap here on September 9, day of the Vikings opener(a fact I am only aware of by virtue of my husband), and I am officially blogging. Woo hoo!

I promise nothing here, not even to continue with this blog. If it continues I don't know what it may evolve into, but I do know that I'm subject to write about or share anything about anything, centering around my experience, with no particular boundaries or taboos. I choose absolute freedom. Really, I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that is what it is. For me, I think I just need an expression for my experience here in a human body, discovering and recovering my soul and spirit, healing on all levels, merging myself with all Creation and enjoying the Dance. Oh and along the way working through tenacious insomnia, struggling with my children's angry outbursts, dousing myself in shame, self-pity, or other show-stoppers, and other goodies.

I'm reading a great book, which I will probably have a lot more to say about: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Here is a loose quote: "Accept everything in each moment as if you have chosen it for yourself." I love that. I love the power of "I choose this," and in my more anxiety-ridden moments I am able to reclaim my power by reminding myself that I can choose, I can ALWAYS choose, no matter what is going on within or without. I can choose to accept this anxiety, I can choose to look at it with curiosity, observe how it feels and moves inside me, I can notice that I'd rather be anywhere else but here, that I'm worrying that I'm not going to make it (i.e., survive), and then I can choose. Eckhart Tolle speaks with such great clarity, it's like my mind empties when I read it, some low-level murmurings inside me quiet down, and I slowly soak in what he's saying.

Well, time for my nighttime cocktail: Ambien and a few other ingredients, attempting to remedy that tenacious insomnia. Here's to HERE! It's all that exists.

A Day in the Life of Rosie (an incomplete summary)

After a breakfast in which the bread becomes a scooper doing construction work comes painting with Momma, which evolves into painting self, which necessitates getting naked for a larger canvas, which eventually leads to a bath. New set of clothes. Time for sensory bin, which is filled with rice. Much scooping and pouring---this leads to some spilling, and of course eating of the uncooked rice (I try to discourage this). An unfortunate bathroom accident. New set of clothes. Some mortar and pestle work to make bread crumbs, a brief foray into eyedropper work, followed by washing some dishes. Clothes get soaked, so they come off. Head gets dipped in the water, as it often does when dishwashing goes on long enough. Probable consumption of dishwater, but this is not confirmed. On to outfit #3, no 4. Outside we go, where Momma has the bright idea of suggesting further work on the mud pie. Then Rose, dingy (but still very cute), hurries off with Momma to pick up beloved sister Lucy, who is Chloe because Rose is Madeline and Momma is Miss Clavel.....Life is a sensory delight, a never-ending playground!

My First Foray into Collage

Here is my collage inspired by Teesha Moore. I have one promised to each of my sisters and probably my mom, so more will be coming!

Thank you, Teesha

While wandering through cyberspace one day, I came across Teesha Moore's website: http://www.teeshaslandofodd.com/1/temp.html . I was not searching for her or anything like her, really, but in visiting her site I realized I had found something I needed. I was immediately drawn to her art--it is playful and vibrant, a little wacky, upbeat. She posted pictures of her spacious studio which is in the upper level of her home. Big windows, color everywhere, and loads of supplies that my fingers itched to explore. Beads and buttons, stamps, shells, fabric--drawers and drawers of it! Wouldn't I love to play in there a while. I felt encouraged, like she in some way gave me a little nudge and said, hey you can do this too! And so I did, a teensy weensy little bit. I am inspired by her collages, so I'm doing a couple of my own, which I will post as soon as I finish them. So thank you, Teesha!