It...is...time....

My naturopath asks me, "What is your Life's Purpose?" and of course I get all teary. "I don't know!" I tell her. Well, more accurately I DO know, it's just that I have misplaced this critical piece of information. Or possibly even hidden it away somewhere, because you know it could be DANGEROUS for the wrong person to get their hands on it--the wrong person being me. Oh, how tangled it gets, fighting with oneself.

I've been getting these mantras, or affirmations. I have a pretty deeply ingrained habit of negative self-talk and I'm also very, very stubborn, and as a result I can get really stuck on unhelpful stuff. And wow, am I convincing! Either that or I'm gullible, because I fall for those old beliefs before the rest of me realizes that an old belief has even crossed my mind!

So, the first mantra that I've been using fairly consistently was given to me about 1 1/2 years ago by a practitioner who I see for energy/soul work, and it is, "Love is everywhere I am." That has gotten me through a lot, and until about a month ago was about all I had sometimes in response to the inner barrage I subject myself to. "Love is everywhere I am" reminds me that I need not close myself off, I need not believe in my absolute separation from everything.

About a month ago in a moment of need, a new mantra came to me: "I choose to be here." Here in this moment, here in this life, on this planet, here moving through this transformation process. I choose everything, except that I sort of forget I have that power of choice, and my habitual reaction when things get dicey is to run like hell. I want to go home more than anything else in the world, a home I've lost and believe I must go back to in order to feel safe, loved, etc. But then I abdicate all my power, because I can't go back, though I might wish it for lifetimes. Acknowledging my ability to choose has been very empowering for me, once I get it through my thick skull that I do indeed have power, that I can in fact be present in this moment no matter how hellishly impossible it may feel.

Somehow bringing that choice mantra in got things rolling, because several more supportive statements have come to consciousness for me, in response to old stuff getting triggered. Here's what I've got so far:

I open and allow.
I experience abundance and prosperity in each moment.
I open fully to my Divine being.
I trust my inner voice.

This has been exciting for me, because you know, I've got things to do or be or express or experience in this lifetime, in this new paradigm of co-creation, and I've got myself barricaded. I'm terrified--of myself, of my own power, my own divinity. Of my Life Purpose. And I feel it within me that it is time...IT IS TIME...to BE. HERE. To be fully conscious. That's what I came for. I'm very clear about that part--usually.

And I'm still terrified. Life Purpose sounds so big, so daunting, so formal. Like something I could screw up. And of course it couldn't be like that. It must be fundamental to my being, innate to my design, like my skeleton, or my DNA. They seem to have developed just fine. I haven't lived in terror that my skeleton wasn't developing in perfect alignment with the Universe.

I don't really know what it means, though, Life Purpose. Maybe it's a feeling more than something to be expressed in words, maybe it reveals itself over a lifetime and is most clear when looking back, and almost certainly it evolves throughout life. I just know that something within me is not yet clear, something is still under lock and key. I'm moving, I'm in process, and these affirmations, these mantras, are helping anchor me here, in life, light, love. And I think I'm a teeny bit more skilled at recognizing the lies when they punch me in the gut. Like today, when I thought maybe I'd get back to this blog and see what happens, and what happened was I couldn't access my blog at all, and waves of terror/despair/desperation washed through me. I couldn't think, I couldn't find help when I did a Help search. I felt a cyberspace wall of unresponsiveness. I felt like a small child lost in a world of people who don't see me, don't know me, don't understand me, and if no one can understand me, how can I be? I felt like I had lost a precious piece of my being, trapped in blogland forever. I felt utterly powerless.

And then I had return to the surface to take my daughter to the doctor. Underneath, I think I looked a lot like a frantic flopping fish, but a fish who doesn't realize it's already in the water. I grasped at my mantras with desperation and clumsiness, and to tell you the truth I'm not quite sure what did the trick, but I came home calmer and feeling the relief of solidity in myself again, and when I sat back down at the computer again, voila! The problem had resolved itself!

It is time. To just do this, let go, let go, let go of my collection of limitations, this old shell I cart around. And then what? I haven't a clue. What I do know is that beyond all the clutter and chaos, beyond the flailing of my mind and the wild oscillation of my emotions some part of me still knows what is Real. What I do know is I'm not gonna miss this boat.